So . . . a week after my ER visit, my leg started going numb. Here’s the thing. My body had a lot of little weird hiccups after we closed JUMP. Nothing painful. Nothing life-threatening. But it’s been weird. I’ve sat with doctors and tried to explain some of my sensations and literally heard back, “Well, that’s a first.” Then, I’m prescribed little or (more often) no medicine and told to just give it time.
My reaction in each of these episodes should have been gratitude because overall, I’m in good health. I wish I would have thought, “Hmmm, my body’s doing a weird thing. Oh well. I should just give it time to heal.” That was NOT my reaction. Instead, I thought the absolute WORST was happening to me every time. I thought, “Oh no! What if I have (insert life altering disease)?” My mind had no evidence to support these thoughts. It was just my knee-jerk reaction to believe the worst. I found out there’s a name for that . . . negativism.
My particular brand of negativism is the belief that life is out to get me. Now, it’s not something I deal with on a conscious level very often. On the surface, most days, I’m moving forward with the absolute confidence that life is good. But the moment my body started sending me strange signals, I had to fight off some pretty dark thoughts.
So, when my leg started going numb after I JUST went to the ER about my arm, I lost it. I crumbled to the floor and prayed. I told God how I really felt.
I was afraid that something bad was going to happen to me because I watched a very bad thing happen to my mother, and it left a scar.
I kept fearing the worst because that was my subconscious mind’s way of trying to protect me from getting sideswiped by life again, and I needed Him to take away that fear.
I needed to His help getting back my foundation of feeling loved and safe, so I could speak goodness over my body from a place of truth.
The next day I did a follow up with my primary doctor, and we figured out what might be triggering my symptoms. But more importantly, I told her what I was afraid was happening to my body. She gave me all the reasons the “big bad thing” I was imagining was probably not true. Based on my symptoms, I didn’t have a disease. I was triggering the inflammation with my work habits, and I just needed to make a few adjustments.
She said, “Don’t go searching for zebras when you have a horse right in front of you.”
She was right.
Since making some adjustments, I do feel better. But if I look at the big picture of my life, God used my body to show me a deep fear in my subconscious mind that I never dealt with. In true Type A form, I want to jump in there and blast that fear to Hell by working really hard to beat it. But my gut is telling me that I need to treat myself with a steady diet of love and compassion over time. What my spirit really needs is kindness and patience.
For now, I’ll stop “searching for zebras” and take care of my heart.
About me . . .
I'm Cyrah Hill. I'm a woman of faith, an actor and an everyday black girl.